CULTURE, 05/12/99: FASHION Remember the Cabbage Patch craze? It was almost as bad as beanie babies, except that Cabbage Patch Kids have long since fallen by the wayside. (Not to mention that I haven't heard of a Cabbage Patch Kid made to look like Princess Di or of one that is worth more than my college tuition.)

I remember it well. My mother was having no part of it. She got me a "Doll Baby" which was similar to the Cabbage Patch Kid, only cheaper, homemade, and far less cool. It was kind of like when my friend got a pair of Guess? jeans and I got a pair of Lee jeans. Sure, they kept my ass warm during the winter, but where was the status?

So, after an entire year of begging, my mom got me an actual Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas. My mom took me to the store and I got to oooh and aaah over the various types of dolls. My absolute favorite was this little boy doll with dark brown short curly hair (loops of brown yarn to be specific), blue eyes, and little, plastic, baby blue eyeglasses. (Remember the glasses, they come up again in a little while.)

Guess which doll I got for Christmas? You got it, the optically-challenged, dark-haired, blue-eyed little boy. Oh, how I loved little Lyle Pedro Robinson. I signed the adoption papers as soon as I unwrapped the box. (Right after I checked his ass for the Xavier Roberts signature for authenticity, of course.)

Over the next couple of weeks that I was actually still interested in the doll, I took very good care of little Lyle Pedro. I made sure his diaper was changed and that he never wore the same outfit twice in a row and I always paid special attention to making sure he was wearing his glasses. Afterall, he couldn't see without them and I had a special fondness for they way he looked with them on.

I didn't know it at the time, and have only recently made the link, but that was the beginning of my glasses fetish. It's not that I had any sexual feelings for little Lyle Pedro, he was my adopted son for crying out loud, but I definitely thought he was much cuter with the glasses on than he was with the glasses off.

This fascination with eyeglasses found its way into several of my childhood crushes. It has to explain why I had a crush on the Keaton's neighbor, Skippy, instead of on Alex P. like all of my friends. Sure, Skippy was a dork and played the comic relief a lot of times, but those round wire-framed specs always revved my engine.

Buddy Holly died in a little town not far away from my hometown. I went on a field trip to his death place when I was in 6th grade and still remember seeing a picture on him on a wall in the museum. Those glasses were amazing. He wore the cutest little outfits and his hair was awfully smashing as well. The black frames he chose really worked on him and I found myself lamenting the death of a rock star I'd never even heard of prior to the field trip. He certainly could have been my teen idol.

When I got to college, I finally realized that I was definitely more attracted to people wearing glasses. This is when I actually labeled my attraction to the vision-impaired people of the world a fetish. I remember a conversation with my old roommate, Chuck, when he finally realized that I had a thing for glasses.

Chuck: Do you think Ellen is hot?
Me: I dunno. I don't really go for blondes, but she's pretty funny.
Chuck: Would you think Ellen was hot if she wore glasses?
Me: Probably. I could see her in a pair of tortoise shell oval glasses.
Chuck: You're incorrigible. What if Chris Farely wore glasses all the time?
Me: Chuck, glasses aren't like a secret sex appeal pill. They only help a whole lot.
Chuck: So, Ellen yes, Chris no.
Me: Well, Chris WOULD look better in glasses. But he'd still be a disgusting pig.

As I remember back to all my relationships since I made this realization, I can only think of a very limited number of people who didn't wear glasses all the time. Some had perfect vision and some preferred contacts. As you can see, those are all relationships in my past. History. Gone. Finito. Go away if you won't don the glasses.

Despite my own incredibly good, dare I say perfect vision, I find myself wandering in to eyeglass stores trying on the hottest new styles of frames and commenting on how good I look in frames. In fact, I actually own a rather smart pair of black framed semi-cat eyed glasses that I wear from time to time.

My current boyfriend has two different styles of glasses. (He's too good to me, he really is.) One pair is a black framed style and the other is a silver wire style. I like them both for different reasons.

He has actually caught the same bug I have. Now he requests that I wear the glasses when we got out, claiming that they "make me look so cuuuuute." Not that I'm not cute without them, he quickly adds.

So, what do I see in these people who are actually genetically inferior? Perhaps it's just that. No matter what, in the end, I am always better than they are. Tee hee. Ok, so that was a little joke. Perhaps it's the stereotype that people look smarter in glasses and I go for the intellectual side of people. I don't know. I can't explain it, but I don't fight it.

Awhile ago, I considered making a little 'zine devoted to my fetish and the people who indulge it. However, after realizing how quickly my boyfriend developed the fetish after being exposed to me, I decided to ax that project quickly. I can't have everyone snatching up what's rightfully mine.

Is there a moral to this story? Is there a point? Not really, no. However, I could argue that if you have children, and you buy them a toy that is slightly different from the toys all the other children have, expect your child to grow up a little "different" as well. Sure, it could be something normal like my little glasses fetish. But just think if it your child developed a certain fascination for bean-stuffed people? Ummm...

At any rate, I know I'm not alone in my attraction to glasses. But I also realize I'm in a very serious minority. I'm not asking for special rights for people like me; I simply ask that you stop wearing your contacts. I don't want people to look at me like I'm some kind of freak or social outcast, but if they do, I can only hope they are looking at me through corrective lenses.